when the salt of wind
divides our eyes, we
hope to soon taste clouds.
rough lyrics of november split
with nimbus and acridity, and
our parlance is branded.
slowly, stratified syllables
sink to snow.
once turned, we peer at
aspirations that are
wizened by glass and sand,
and dandelion daydreams that
elude even the mountains.
these hopes are far-flung,
and caught by the sea with
remnants of summer songs.
runes rise against the vapor
of days we do not know,
and still, we question:
before there were words,
was there love?
©2008-2009 ~emilyexplosion
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Submitted: May 20, 2008
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Submitted: May 20, 2008
File Size: 730 bytes
Image Size: 0 bytes
Resolution: 0×0
Comments: 12
Favourites & Collections: 4 [who?]
Views
Total: 74
Today: 0
Downloads
Total: 0
Today: 0
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Author's Comments
rough draft.
undergoing edits.
i had it just the way i wanted it, and then my computer promptly shut down. something about the poem itself irks me, but i can't place my finger on it. i'm worried about tearing it apart to find the hair out of place, because it will more than likely scar it. this is, sadly, what happened with 'harmonious'.
to avoid this sad fate,
feedback would be wonderful.
please and thanks.
undergoing edits.
i had it just the way i wanted it, and then my computer promptly shut down. something about the poem itself irks me, but i can't place my finger on it. i'm worried about tearing it apart to find the hair out of place, because it will more than likely scar it. this is, sadly, what happened with 'harmonious'.
to avoid this sad fate,
feedback would be wonderful.
please and thanks.
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But I would give you the same advice you've given me: perhaps go easy on the adjectives. They cloud the imagery. (Wow, that's a fine example of the pot calling the kettle black.)
Excellent poem, Emily!
ah, don't writers make the best hypocrites? (:
--
if i could, i would give you everything in the world. the moon-- right out of the sky.
- austin michael, january seventh.
--
50 free poems, for you! EXCLUSIVE PRESENT. [link]
--
if i could, i would give you everything in the world. the moon-- right out of the sky.
- austin michael, january seventh.
--
50 free poems, for you! EXCLUSIVE PRESENT. [link]
For me, the moment you said, "[These] hopes..." the tone of the poem changed. It felt like going from a poem to more of a narrator like approach, similar to something out of National Geographic. It was a very shocking change of tone for some reason. Unless the "these" is necessary, I would remove it and I think it would still fit in with your style. ^^
I hope that critique helps!
Not to forget, of course, my usual commentary.
I thought that the concept of love before words is very intriguing. I have thought of similar things myself.
--
"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious." - Albert Einstein
"Use no way as way. Use no limitation as limitation." - Bruce Lee
Until darkness falls,
- Shadow -
--
if i could, i would give you everything in the world. the moon-- right out of the sky.
- austin michael, january seventh.
--
"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious." - Albert Einstein
"Use no way as way. Use no limitation as limitation." - Bruce Lee
Until darkness falls,
- Shadow -
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